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WHAT TO SAY AFTER A DEATH OR DYING
Cast all your cares upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7
My deepest sympathy to you and yours who are dealing with a death in your family. The below thoughts are to offer suggestions on what to say or do if dealing with others whose loved ones have died. Please check out the Christian inspirational poems on Heaven's Roll Call website if you are in need of comfort.
So often people will ask what you can do to help a friend or family member after someone dies. The answer is hard to know, but below are a few ideas of what I have learned over the years about death and dying after attending funerals of loved ones and friends. You may discard everything, but see if what is said brings something to your own mind. The list is in no special order. They are just thoughts that come to mind as I write. Again their only purpose is to give you a few ideas of what you might do or say. There are also a few ideas should you lose a loved one yourself. You may read uplifting poems on other pages of the website for additional comfort.
The first thing you should always do is pray. Include the family every night in your prayers. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words and also the compassion to know what to do and say.
Then ask the mourner what you can do. Who better to know what they need than the person going through the loss. Ask what you can do to help and then listen to what they say. Let the mourner talk and then try to listen with the heart of Jesus. Do not judge. Do not correct or tell them they shouldn't think or feel what they are feeling. We all handle heartache differently and have the right to get through our heartache the best way we can.
If the mourner cries and you feel the pain of death, don't be afraid to cry and show your pain with your own tears, but be careful. You are there to comfort them so try not to have it the other way around. Also if the mourner doesn't want to talk, then sit with them in silence. Sometimes just knowing someone is with you in your sorrow might be all that is needed to make it through their day. You might even tell them ahead of time that if they aren’t in the mood to talk that it is okay and you just want to be there for them.
Mail a thinking of you card or note every week. Any hand written note saying you are praying for them will help them know they are not alone in their heartache. I think most of us are afraid to call, because we think the person might be lying down or too busy, but call anyway. If they are busy, they will leave it go to voicemail so leave a short message. Let them know you're calling to check in and praying for them.
Go through the Bible verses I have on the Heaven's Roll Call website and write them down. Then send one Bible verse 1 - 2 times a week by email/text as reassurance that God loves them and is with them through their pain.
Why not send a short email or text by itself letting the mourner know you are thinking of them. Don't share any of the chain type emails or jokes during this time. Right now things will be hard enough so keep things short and to the point. It's a nice thought, but after a death there is plenty to deal with and the mourner may feel guilty if they don't reciprocate. Just a quick note of any sort will help remind the mourner that you are there to help if they need you.
Sometimes people may withdraw after a loss, because they are afraid they will cry. Many people are afraid if they start to cry that they won't stop. Please don't ever think when this happens that the mourner is mad at you or they don't appreciate everything you are trying to do. They may be a survival mode now. Continue to offer help and then be patient. When someone dies, everyone gathers around the family. Then when everyone goes back to their life, as we all must, there is a void left inside. Sometimes the mourner may now feel forgotten. Remember we all mourn differently and the length of time varies. Stay in contact by text, mail, email, phone or in person.
Please don't apologize if you bring up a loved one's name sometime. Their loved one's life mattered and we want to talk about them. We may cry, but it isn't because of you. It still hurts, but we like to talk about our loved one. It helps bring back a memory for a while.
Please don't say, "I know how you feel." You may have lost a loved one, but you didn't have the exact same experiencese nor did your loved one die the exact same way. What you may want to say is, " I know how I felt after my loved one died. What can I do to help you?"
Please don't tell the mourner that he/she was old and lived a long life so they should know he/she would die soon. Sometimes I think the longer a person lives, the harder it is to say goodbye. Yes, God blessed some of us with our loved one living into their 80's or even 90's giving us so many more memories that others may have, but for that reason it may be harder to let go sometimes.
You mean well, but don't tell the mourner the time frame of when they should be over the death and move on with their life. We all have our own time table of mourning. Pray and let God help the mourner to heal.
Something you may want to do in the future is to record your loved one's voice. I saved my Mom's voicemails and can now listen to them anytime Satan starts to bring back the pain of her death. The sound of her voice assures me that I will see her again in heaven. Tape your baby's cry and as your child grows. That way when they are married and on their own, you can have the good memories to share with them. I promise you won't regret it.
Please wait at least 6 months before getting rid of your loved ones personal things after their death. Sometimes in order to survive financially we are forced to sell things, but if at all possible, wait. You don't have to make a shrine or anything like that, but if there are things that hold happy memories or will trigger a happy time you shared, store them in a box and put them high on a shelf to look at in a year or even more. It's been almost 15 years since my mom died and I am now going through some old boxes that I had forgotten about. In one I found the dress mom wore on her and dad's 50th wedding anniversary. The memory of mom's smiling face and how pretty she looked came back. I can even hear her laugh when I remember how much fun she had that day with the grand-kids now grown. I also found a shirt of my dad's that he loved and would wear a lot. It brought back memories of when his brother's would come over and they'd all play guitar and sing. Too often things are given away in haste because we aren't thinking clearly only to find later that you really wish you still had it. Try to avoid any regrets. Mom always said, "When in doubt, do without." If you are in doubt about anything during this time, wait! Your life is up to you so don't let others sway you.
The mourner may be touchy or crabby sometimes. Again it is because they may be so overwhelmed with their loss. Please be patient.
Don't tell the mourner that everything works for our good, because if that person does not believe in our Savior it could do more harm than good. There is no way they would ever understand it. God may use a tragedy in some way, but it could be 1 day or 20 years later. It's just safer to never say this to a person trying to survive a death.
Don't ever tell the mourner that God never gives us more than we can handle. It is true, but right now the person needs to feel the love of our Precious Savior.
As an adult you know the pain of death will ease up at some point and life will go on. You also know everyone will have to deal with the death of a loved one at some point in their life. With that said, take care of the child inside of you. When my mom died, the adult me was okay, but it was Susie, the little girl inside of me, who lost her Mommy. It's that little child inside that didn't understand why she died and would cry herself to sleep almost every night for weeks after her death. During the day the adult me would cope with her death, but when I got home I didn't need to be strong. I could let the child out and feel my pain of loss. Think about it for awhile and see if your child inside is the one crying for their loved one or best friend. Then do something to take care of the child in you. When I have someone close to me dying, I would give them a 30" soft teddy bear. The last time I sent one my dear friend was in hospice dying of cancer. She told me she held the teddy bear every night when she slept or if she had a bad day. That was the child in her comforting herself. She died with it in her bed next to her.
A few years before my Mom died, I saved a voice mail she had left for me on my home phone and one line said, "I love you, my baby." In our parents eyes, I think we are always seen as children so in some ways that child lives inside of us until we die. That is why the adult you needs to do what you can to take care of the little person inside. When death knocks, what can you do for "you" that would help comfort that child inside? Think back to when you were young. What gave you a feeling of peace or helped you feel safe? Don't worry what the world thinks. This is about you and helping "you" get you through your own heartaches. Maybe there is a place you used to go with your loved one that holds special memories for you. If so, go there, but take Jesus with you. Do whatever you can do to trigger a good memory and take care of you. Most of all whatever you do - invite Jesus with.
What can you do to help the mourner - PRAY – LISTEN - UNDERSTAND - LISTEN - DO NOT JUDGE - LISTEN - BE PATIENT – AND NEVER TELL THE MOURNER AFTER A SHORT TIME THEY SHOULD BE OVER IT AND MOVE ON!
The mourner may be touchy or crabby sometimes. Again it is because they may be so overwhelmed with their loss. Please be patient.
Don't tell the mourner that everything works for our good, because if that person does not believe in our Savior it could do more harm than good. There is no way they would ever understand it. God may use a tragedy in some way, but it could be 1 day or 20 years later. It's just safer to never say this to a person trying to survive a death.
Don't ever tell the mourner that God never gives us more than we can handle. It is true, but right now the person needs to feel the love of our Precious Savior.
As an adult you know the pain of death will ease up at some point and life will go on. You also know everyone will have to deal with the death of a loved one at some point in their life. With that said, take care of the child inside of you. When my mom died, the adult me was okay, but it was Susie, the little girl inside of me, who lost her Mommy. It's that little child inside that didn't understand why she died and would cry herself to sleep almost every night for weeks after her death. During the day the adult me would cope with her death, but when I got home I didn't need to be strong. I could let the child out and feel my pain of loss. Think about it for awhile and see if your child inside is the one crying for their loved one or best friend. Then do something to take care of the child in you. When I have someone close to me dying, I would give them a 30" soft teddy bear. The last time I sent one my dear friend was in hospice dying of cancer. She told me she held the teddy bear every night when she slept or if she had a bad day. That was the child in her comforting herself. She died with it in her bed next to her.
A few years before my Mom died, I saved a voice mail she had left for me on my home phone and one line said, "I love you, my baby." In our parents eyes, I think we are always seen as children so in some ways that child lives inside of us until we die. That is why the adult you needs to do what you can to take care of the little person inside. When death knocks, what can you do for "you" that would help comfort that child inside? Think back to when you were young. What gave you a feeling of peace or helped you feel safe? Don't worry what the world thinks. This is about you and helping "you" get you through your own heartaches. Maybe there is a place you used to go with your loved one that holds special memories for you. If so, go there, but take Jesus with you. Do whatever you can do to trigger a good memory and take care of you. Most of all whatever you do - invite Jesus with.
What can you do to help the mourner - PRAY – LISTEN - UNDERSTAND - LISTEN - DO NOT JUDGE - LISTEN - BE PATIENT – AND NEVER TELL THE MOURNER AFTER A SHORT TIME THEY SHOULD BE OVER IT AND MOVE ON!