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WHAT TO SAY OR DO AFTER A DEATH
HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS FOR YOU TO USE
My deepest sympathy to you and yours who are facing a death in your family. The below thoughts are to offer suggestions on what to say or do when dealing with others whose loved ones have died. (Please check out the Christian inspirational death poems on Heaven's Roll Call website if you are in need of comfort.)
So often people will ask how to help a friend or family member after someone dies. It's hard to know, but here are some ideas of what I have learned about death and dying after attending many funerals. You may discard everything, but see if what is said brings something to your own mind. The list is in no special order. They are just thoughts that come to mind as I write. Again their only purpose is to give you a few thoughts of what you might try to do or say after a death. There are also a few ideas should you lose a love one yourself. Read inspirational uplifting poems on other pages of the website for additional comfort.
The first thing you should do is pray. Include the family every night in your prayers. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words and also the compassion to know what you should do.
Ask the mourner what you can do to help. Who better to know what they need than the person going through the loss. Next listen with the heart of Jesus to what they say. Do not judge. Do not correct or tell them they shouldn't think or feel what they are feeling. We all handle heartache differently and have the right to get through our heartache the best way we know how.
If the mourner cries and you feel the pain of death, don't be afraid to cry and show your pain with your own tears, but be careful. You are there to comfort the griever so try not to have it the other way around. Also if the mourner doesn't want to talk, then sit with them in silence. Sometimes just knowing someone is with you in your sorrow might be all that is needed to make it through the day. Tell them ahead of time that if they aren’t in the mood to talk that it is okay and you just want to be with them.
Mail a "thinking of you" card or note every week. Any handwritten note saying you're praying for them will show them they're not alone in their heartache. I think most of us are afraid to call, because we think the person might be lying down or too busy, but call anyway. If they're busy or lying down, they won't answer so leave a voicemail.
Find Bible verses and Bible scripture on the Heaven's Roll Call website and write them down. Then send a Christian Bible verse once a week by email/text to reassure them that God loves them and is with them through their pain.
You could also send a short note by email or text letting the mourner know you are thinking of them. Don't share any of the chain type emails during this time. Right now things will be hard enough so keep things short and to the point. It's a nice thought, but after a death of a loved one there's enought to deal with and the mourner may feel guilty if they don't reciprocate. A quick note of any sort shows the mourner you're thinking of them.
Sometimes people withdraw after a loss because they are afraid they will start to cry and not stop. Please don't ever think when this happens that the mourner is mad or they don't appreciate everything you're doing. They may be in a survival mode. Continue to offer help and be patient. After a loved one's death everyone gathers around the family. Eventually people go back to their life. The mourner may then feel forgotten. Remember we all mourn differently and the length of time varies, so still stay in contact by any means.
Please don't tell the mourner that the person was old and lived a long life so they should know they'd die soon. Sometimes the longer a person lives, the harder it is to say goodbye. Yes, God blessed some by letting the person live into their 80's, 90's or even 100, but in turn there are so many memories to let go.
Never apologize if you bring up a loved one's name. Their loved one's life mattered and the griever wants to talk about the person they love. Even if they cry know it isn't because of you. Their pain is real, but let them talk about their love one. It helps bring back a memory for a while. Please don't say, "I know how you feel." You may have lost a loved one, but you didn't have the same experience nor did your love one die the exact same way. What you may start to say is, " I know how I felt afterwards and..." Is there anything you need or how can I help you?
You mean well, but don't tell the mourner the time frame of when they should be over the death and move on with their life. We all have our own time table of mourning. Pray and let God help the mourner to heal.
Cast all your cares upon him; for he
careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7
Wait 6+ months after their death before getting rid of your loved ones personal things Sometimes to survive financially we are forced to sell things, but if at all possible, wait. You don't have to make a shrine, but if there are things that hold happy memories, then set them aside. Later it will trigger a happy time you shared. For now put them in a box and then on a high on a shelf to look at in a year or more. It's been almost 15 years since my mom died and I just went through old boxes I had forgotten about. In one I found the dress mom wore on her and dad's 50th wedding anniversary. The memory of mom's smiling face and how pretty she looked came back. I can even hear her laugh when I remember how much fun she had that day with the grandkids now grown. I also found a favorite shirt of my dad's. It brought back the memory of him sitting in his chair playing guitar and singing. Too often things are given away in haste because we aren't thinking clearly only to find later that you really wish you still had it. Your life is up to you so don't let others sway you.
The mourner may be touchy or crabby sometimes. Again it is because they may be so overwhelmed with their loss. Please be patient.
Don't tell the mourner that everything works for our good, because if that person does not believe in our Savior it could do more harm than good. There's no way they could ever understand it. God may use a tragedy in some way, but it could be 1 day or 20 years later. Let's wait to use this verse until later.
Don't ever tell the mourner that God never gives us more than we can handle. It is true, but right now the person needs to feel the love of our Precious Savior and will learn this on their own.
As an adult you know the pain of death will ease up at some point and life will go on. You also know everyone has to deal with the death of a loved one at some point. With that said, take care of the child inside of you. When my mom died, the adult me was okay, but it was the little girl Susie inside of me who lost her Mommy. It's that little child inside that didn't understand death and would cry herself to sleep every night for months. During the day the adult me know how to cope, but when I got home I didn't need to be strong. I could let the child out and feel my pain of loss. Think about it for a while and see if your child inside is the one crying for their loved one or best friend. Then do something to take care of the child in you. When I hear of someone dying, I give them a 30" soft teddy bear. The last time I sent one my dear friend was in hospice dying of cancer. She told me she held the teddy bear every night when she slept or if she had a bad day. That was the child in her comforting herself. She died with the bear next to her.
A few years before my Mom died, I saved a voice mail she had left for me on my home phone and one line said, "I love you, my baby." In our parents eyes, I think we are always seen as children so in some ways that child lives inside of us until we die. That is why the adult you needs to do what you can to take care of the little person inside. When death knocks, what can you do for you that would help comfort that child inside? What gave you a feeling of peace or helped you feel safe? Don't worry what the world thinks. This is about you and helping you get you through your own pain. Maybe there is a place you used to go with your loved one that holds special memories for you. If so, go there, but take Jesus with you. Do whatever you can do to trigger a good memory and take care of you. Most of all whatever you do bring Jesus with.
The mourner may be touchy or crabby sometimes. Again it is because they may be so overwhelmed with their loss. Please be patient.
Don't tell the mourner that everything works for our good, because if that person does not believe in our Savior it could do more harm than good. There's no way they could ever understand it. God may use a tragedy in some way, but it could be 1 day or 20 years later. Let's wait to use this verse until later.
Don't ever tell the mourner that God never gives us more than we can handle. It is true, but right now the person needs to feel the love of our Precious Savior and will learn this on their own.
As an adult you know the pain of death will ease up at some point and life will go on. You also know everyone has to deal with the death of a loved one at some point. With that said, take care of the child inside of you. When my mom died, the adult me was okay, but it was the little girl Susie inside of me who lost her Mommy. It's that little child inside that didn't understand death and would cry herself to sleep every night for months. During the day the adult me know how to cope, but when I got home I didn't need to be strong. I could let the child out and feel my pain of loss. Think about it for a while and see if your child inside is the one crying for their loved one or best friend. Then do something to take care of the child in you. When I hear of someone dying, I give them a 30" soft teddy bear. The last time I sent one my dear friend was in hospice dying of cancer. She told me she held the teddy bear every night when she slept or if she had a bad day. That was the child in her comforting herself. She died with the bear next to her.
A few years before my Mom died, I saved a voice mail she had left for me on my home phone and one line said, "I love you, my baby." In our parents eyes, I think we are always seen as children so in some ways that child lives inside of us until we die. That is why the adult you needs to do what you can to take care of the little person inside. When death knocks, what can you do for you that would help comfort that child inside? What gave you a feeling of peace or helped you feel safe? Don't worry what the world thinks. This is about you and helping you get you through your own pain. Maybe there is a place you used to go with your loved one that holds special memories for you. If so, go there, but take Jesus with you. Do whatever you can do to trigger a good memory and take care of you. Most of all whatever you do bring Jesus with.
Something else you may want to do is record your loved one's voice now. Don't wait. I saved my Mom's voicemails and can now listen to them anytime Satan starts to bring back the pain of her death. The sound of her voice assures me that I will see her again in heaven. Tape your baby's cry and as your child grows. That way when they are married and on their own, you can have the good memories to share with them. I promise you won't regret it.
What can you do to help the person grieving - PRAY – LISTEN - UNDERSTAND - LISTEN - DO NOT JUDGE - LISTEN - BE PATIENT – LISTEN - AND NEVER TELL THE MOURNER AFTER A SHORT TIME THEY SHOULD BE OVER IT AND MOVE ON!
What can you do to help the person grieving - PRAY – LISTEN - UNDERSTAND - LISTEN - DO NOT JUDGE - LISTEN - BE PATIENT – LISTEN - AND NEVER TELL THE MOURNER AFTER A SHORT TIME THEY SHOULD BE OVER IT AND MOVE ON!